Journaling

I used to journal a lot. Just write everything out. Some things turned into prayers. Some things into poetry. And some things into songs. Songs with no tune, only lyrics, because I'm bad at creating original tunes. Haha.

Well, someone once told me that it's good to go back and read what you've written years ago, just to see how things have changed and how God has worked in your life. It's good to see how the things that bothered you back then and asked for relief from years ago seem like child's play to you now. Just goes to show how much God loves us and cares for us and really does listen to us. And most of all that His way is always best.

I came across something that I wrote out a few years back. Not exactly sure when it was written. It was from back in a time when I was struggling with a lot of things. I wanted so much to go the way of the world and be a party girl and say that everything was alright for everyone as long as it made them happy.

I no longer feel this way, but I thought it'd be interesting to share. I don't often let people in on the real me and I thought it'd be interesting for people to see some of the darkness I've battled.

I'm glad I've discovered God's way is best. Some people aren't so blessed.

As I climb to the top of the hill to gaze at the moon a long but silent howl escapes from the bottom of my soul. I suddenly realize what it is that's been bothering me.
Suppressing thoughts and actions that would only feed the social werewolf that is my Jekyl and Hyde-ness.

Belief in You, my Higher Power, and in what You want for my life is suddenly not enough to sustain me in this void. Is it selfishness, boredom? What makes me feel this way? Is it envy that I was never brave enough to try things in my youth? I want to experience all thigns of life, this life, before I approach the next.

Is that so bad? Is that so wrong? It's what I've wanted all along. This world You created, and it's this world I long to know.

You tell me Heaven is better, and that I should hold out; but will the things I want to experience on Earth even be there? Heaven is for Your children, so they can live and praise You forever. What is this world for? Everything enticing and I feel of worth is forbidden.

Why have You laid all this before me, and told me not to touch? I feel like a starving child forced to sit and watch others eat. I watch them eat all my favorite foods. The rich, sweet tastes of pleasure that I long to have now before tasting the rich, sweet rewards You have promised.

Is that so bad? Is that so wrong? It's what I've wanted all along. This world You created, and it's this world I long to know.

In passing up the pleasures You refer to as sin, I only find myself committing different ones. Jealousy of others for their experience. Hatred towards those who don't seem to fear doing all the things that I've been warned against.

Please deliver me from this split devotion; devotion to the world and having a good time only pulls me away from You, my Savior. Yet, devotion to You and living in the ways You've intended for me only pulls me away from everything I've ever wanted.

Is that so bad? Is that so wrong? It's what I've wanted all along. This world You created, and it's this world I long to know.

I'm sorry. I know You should be all I ever want, but it's so hard to know You when I can't see You.

I need a sign of life, more than a feeling. Are you there?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.