3 years in the making...

Thanks to Court for helping to edit this.

I open my eyes from a restless sleep, hoping to find myself somewhere other than where I lay down. But, once again, I awaken to the same darkness and hopelessness that has consumed my life since before I can remember. Counting the days of my imprisonment is nothing but futile because the days are immeasurable. I've become numb. I'm at home being in this…hole. Practically comfortable. The dirt under my body is familiar and I've let the walls become my shelter from the outside light. I glance up in wonder. Is today the day I decide to find my way out? All I see is darkness and it consumes me. There was a time when I could see the opening of this pit, but lately it is far from visible and my eyes can no longer focus the distance. Even my memory's view of the path that led me here has faded and I can no longer recognize it.

As I try to stand, the heavy chains that bind my hands and feet clank, their echo filling this once quiet cave with deafening sound. On my feet, I begin my routine. My hands search the darkness for the shovel resting against the wall and, like every other day, I begin to dig. I don't know why I dig, I have no destination, no goal. I just need something to occupy my days, hours, minutes…every second. Every thought.

Even though I've learned to work around the chains, I feel them become tighter and heavier with each load of dirt. Without fail, every time the shovel grazes the earth, the darkness deepens and the temperature drops. And I become more and more aware of how alone I am with each stroke. More than once the sadness overcomes me and I fall to my knees. This time the frustration gets the best of me and I throw down the shovel and scream.

My voice echoes in the emptiness. A chill comes over me in realization that the voice of utter desperation is my own. It has been so long since I've decided to use my voice. Why speak when no one is there to listen? To care? Screaming again, I'm slightly comforted by the sound of my cries. I am still alive. I didn't know it was important for me to realize this… but it is. And now I can feel a presence around me. Am I crazy? Is there someone else here with me?

"Hello?! Who's there?"

There is no reply. I reach my hand out and lean against the wall. As I drag my chains, my eyes begin to fill with tears. I am crazy! There is no one here. I am completely alone. I pause and laugh. I know no one else can be here because I dug this hole myself. And yet, I still feel it. A presence.

I wrestle with my thoughts for several hours and decide to ask again. If there is no one around, there is no one to see my failure if I am wrong. What do I have to lose?

"I know you're there. Please show yourself."

A gentle, sweet smelling breeze rushes past me. I brace myself by placing my hand on the wall and I realize something is different. I can see my hand. There is now a faint light filling the darkness. I can't see where it is coming from. Fear and determination battle within me and I spin around in desperation to find the source of the light. Light will bring warmth, light will bring direction, light will bring hope.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder from behind. My body feels as if it has been turned to stone, I can't move, I'm terrified.

"Do not be afraid," the presence begins, " I will not harm you."
I turn around, seeking the face of the person who has invaded my darkness. I see nothing physical, only light. I can now see every wall, I can see the ground, I can see myself and my filth. But, I can not see where the light has come from.

"Who are you?" I ask in a bold voice, seeking to protect my domain.

"A friend."

I snicker at his reply. "How can you be a friend? I don't know you! You won't even allow me to see your face!"

"But, I know you. And I love you. I always have. I am here because you need me. You called out to me," the gentle voice says.

"When? I didn't call for anyone. I don't need you, I don't need anyone!" I begin to yell. The reality that this stranger assumes that I need something from anyone overcomes me and I burn with anger.

"The only way out of this darkness is through me. You do need me," he says in patience.

"I don't want to leave here. This is my home. It's all I know. I made it!" I say, rather unconvincingly. And surprising myself, I begin to cry.

I feel him embrace me. His arms are warm and kind as they surround me. A feeling of absolute peace comes over me as I cry into his invisible chest. With my eyes clenched shut, I can imagine his face. His beautiful, piercing eyes begin to fill with tears and I feel him cry with me.

"What is there outside of this place?" I ask with childlike curiosity. "I've been here so long I've forgotten what it's like not to have these chains. I've forgotten what it's like to be free."

"Out there… there are many paths. Some will lead you home, some will lead you to places such as this." He pauses and touches my face. I open my eyes with a look of fear and uncertainty. I can see his face with my eyes open now.

Sensing my apprehension, he smiles reassuringly and continues, "I'm here to show you the way home."

"What do I have to do?" I ask.

"I've already chosen the right road for you, just follow it and trust that I will get you to where you belong. Everything else will be taken care of." He kneels down before me and touches the chains around my feet. They unlock, unclasp, and fall limply to the ground. He reaches up to the chains that are restraining my hands. They, too, unlock and crash amid the others at my feet. I stare down at them in disbelief. I bend down to pick them up. Their weight is familiar.

"You are my child. No matter what happens to you, as long as your eyes are fixed on my face and the goal I have set before you, you will be safe and at peace."

"What is my goal? Is it hard?"

"Your goal is to get to the places I need you to be. And to do the things I have called you to do. It will not be easy, but I will not leave you alone. I have other children out there. You all have my instructions written out for you. Study them, meditate on them, and keep my words on your heart. If you do these things, I have no doubt that you will meet me at home."

"Meet you? You mean… You're not coming with me?"

"I will be with you in Spirit. Trust in me and you will have all you need."

"When do I begin?"

"You begin as soon as you lay those chains in my arms and get on your way." He said with a painful smile. I suddenly remembered I was still holding on the source of my bondage. I looked down at them, they had been with me so long that I wasn't sure how to let go of them. While it was true I had been freed, I wasn't comfortable with letting my deliverer own the sources of my pain and imprisonment.

"I'll go. But I want to carry these with me," I said holding tight to the shackles. "I want them to serve as a reminder of where I've been. A reminder of a place in which I never want to find myself again."

"No. I must take them from you. It is my purpose. Your journey will be long and these things will only slow you down. Your hands and feet are no longer bound; let that serve as your reminder instead."

Convinced, I lay the heavy chains in his arms. The moment the weight is lifted from my arms and placed into his, my environment changes. We are no longer in darkness but surrounded by light and color. There are fields of grass and flowers. There are waves crashing on a sandy beach. I have never known a joy such as I felt in this instance.
In my happiness I turn to look on the man who saved my life. His face is contorted with pain, and blood is running from wounds on his head, hands, and feet. Yet he still smiles at me and looks into my eyes. A look of such love and mercy I have never known before.

"Remember, you are mine. I am always listening for you to call my name."

"Your name. Right. I'm sorry, I forgot to ask…"

"My name… is Yeshua."